2008 : His Mercies Are New Each Morning

This past week I have been reflecting on 2008. That's what you're supposed to do right? The start of a new year causes you to reflect on what you have done, who you are and where you are going. It would seem at first glance that our past year was a horrible one...and I may tend to agree with you at first...it was the hardest year of my life...of our lives...and I don't want to relive it yet I feel I need to take that brokenness and share it with you.

We started the year with Scott 3 weeks into IV treatments for Lyme Disease. He was diagnosed in March of 2006 after years of pain, frustration, tests, more tests and several neurologists suggesting it may be MS but then treating him for Parkinson's. We now know that he had all the classic signs of Lyme Disease 10 years ago but like 99% of the Lymies we have met, it took years to get the correct diagnosis. It makes me sad to think that my dear sweet husband has been so sick for so long. These treatments are 2 times a day at 7am and 4pm, 5 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Scott's focus became his health and I focused on keeping our life together. The pressure was extreme, for both of us. We had great friends who helped with transportation to and from the clinic during the week but due to an accident we lost those rides in early March. We had to make a decision that was really hard on our family. We moved Scott into a cheap hotel that was less than 2 blocks from the clinic. We had developed great friendships with some of the other Lymies and they offered to give Scott a ride to and from the clinic as he was too sick to walk. Because we still had a business to run, I stayed in Ottawa working insane hours while Scott stayed in MO going to treatment. It was a heartbreaking decision. I couldn't drive Scott AND make a living so it was our only option. I hated it so much. I married my husband because I LIKED him and wanted to be with him. After 3 months of trying to care for a sick husband, driving him to treatment and/or visiting him on weekends, owning, running and managing a small coffeehouse, working 60 hours a week, being a "bonus" mom, picking up kids, dropping off kids, running a household....I broke. One can only do so much.

It became quite clear to me that our next step needed to focus on Scott's health. I could not help him, take care of him or be near him every day if we kept the coffeehouse....so April 1st brought a new owner to our baby of 4 years. That decision in itself made me feel like a failure. The next few months consisted of driving, driving and more driving. I trained at the coffeehouse, applied to a million jobs, took care of kids and focused on Scott's health. He was very sick and was not himself for about 6 months. That was our Valley of Death. At times it seemed like Scott was going to die. Each new blood test would bring more bad news and more medications. His liver wasn't working correctly, his kidney's weren't working correctly, his heart wasn't working correctly, his brain wasn't working correctly...NOTHING was working correctly...

It felt like our hope was gone. To be in those trenches day after day without relief was sobering, defeating, devastating and numbing. Not only did we have to deal with sickness and the possibility of death but we had to deal with people who meant evil to our family. I know, evil is a strong word, but it fits in this case. Why does it seem like those who claim the name of Christ do the most harm? Thankfully, we know that God is not a puppet or a genie who can be pulled, prodded, convinced or tricked. During this time Scott and I had numerous discussions about his life and what God may be doing in and thru him during this illness. The possibility of death has a way of bringing priorities into line.

We struggled our way day by day till we made it to August and made another decision to bring our family back together. After 5 months of living in a hotel we decided to move Scott back home to Ottawa. We didn't know how we were going to pay for gasoline but we felt it was God's timing for our family. Scott needed to be around us and we felt like he was thru the Valley of Death and on his way back up. To our amazement, God provided for our daily needs. We had great friends in Ottawa who put out spare change buckets around town and these small daily gifts paid for food and gas. Sometimes, it was a true day to day reliance but it really kept our eyes and hearts on Him. Have you ever had to rely on God for your food or for gas money? He blessed us through the hearts and generosity of our friends, customers and church family. Our church family took love offerings and prayed for Scott all thru the week. Though we couldn't always feel it, He was sustaining us. Isn't that how it usually is? You can't see His divine hand until you are thru the wilderness.

We spent 3 months driving to KC together at 5am each day and returning back home to Ottawa by 9pm. We lived at a local coffeehouse in between treatments and I took many, many, many naps in our Mountaineer. It was life changing. It broke us and opened us to seeing who God really is and where our Faith needed to be. Day after day we survived until God decided to bless me with a job in Mid October. I can't explain the joy that I felt the day I was offered a job. It was a new beginning. Thru this experience I have kept Lamentations chapter 3 close to my heart.

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust—there may yet be hope. Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace. For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men. Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

November brought a renewed sense of priority and normalcy has descended on our family. We no longer spend 30 hours a week driving. I no longer sleep in the car. We no longer worry where our next meal comes from because we are confidant that it comes from the Lord. We have returned to the land of the living and are no longer ashamed of our circumstances. God has placed us here for a reason. He has placed people in our lives for a purpose. He has placed situations in our path for His Glory and His alone. 2008 was a long road for my family and it helped mold us into who we are today. It also helped focus our hearts on where we are going and who we are serving in 2009. I pray that 2008 was just as revealing to you and yours.