Her Heart Is A Train Wreck...

My heart is breaking tonight because it seems like another dream has been shattered. My mom has been fighting for her life for the past 105 days and we thought we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Now I feel like we have been blinded and that light was really the headlight of a train and we are involved in a horrible, painful, never ending train wreck. 

The train wreck started with two little words: nursing home. The dr. said she was no longer a candidate for the rehab facility and that she needed to be placed in a nursing home. They do not believe that she will be able to return home. I spent a few hours with mom tonight and she is so broken and sad. Her one hope and motivation has been to get back to her house. She designed and built that house with her own two hands. She spent thousands of hours sanding, painting, installing fixtures, cabinets, flooring and finishing every room in that house. She would teach school all day, feed her family and then go out to the farm to work on the house. She would work till 1 and 2 in the morning and then come home to sleep for 4 hours so she could go back to school. She put her heart and soul into that house and did the work by herself because my dad was too sick and disabled to help. She lovingly made that house and she wanted to spend the rest of her days in her sanctuary. Now, her hope has been taken from her and her spirit is broken. She doesn't know what to do and I certainly do not know what to do. I feel her loss and I have been mourning with her all evening. 

She told me that she needed to give up her art and that it wasn't a priority anymore. For my mom to say that means that she is giving up LIFE. She lives and breathes art. Her mind is constantly working on her next art project and how she can glorify God with her talent. She uses her art to start religious/spiritual/moral conversations and art is her life. I am shocked, saddened and horrified that her life has come down to this. She is way too young to be sent to a nursing home and I feel inadequate to handle all the new responsibility that is coming my way. I am trying to take each day as it comes but I am afraid my heart can't take much more. God is certainly sustaining me but it hurts to breathe. I wish that I could take the physical pain away from my mom and bear her suffering. I know Christ already did that but I also know that this knowledge does not take away her pain. How do you comfort someone who is suffering and there is no earthly cure? How do you show them the grace, mercy and love that they desperately need when they are blinded by pain and fear, fighting for every breath?

It has been an honor for me to care for my mom while she has been sick. I look forward to our evenings and spend my time loving on her. Even when I am exhausted and don't think I can keep my eyes open for the drive, I am encouraged by her company. We made such big plans. She planned a celebration party. We planned her life. We made a list of things she wanted to do. I am afraid she will never get to start this list let alone finish it and I mourn that loss with her. I have learned so much about her and what I am capable of, during this time. I am definitely her daughter and have learned from her example. I have never had to deal with this level of personal care before but none of it bothers me anymore. I used to be embarrassed for her because I had to care for her as a child but once I realized she would rather have me do these things, than a cold, heartless nurse (I know, not all nurses are heartless but you haven't met the ones we have...) I never hesitated again. Her care has been questionable at times so I am thankful that I lived close enough to the hospital to be able to be there 99% of the time.

She is a priceless woman. She is a godly woman. Please pray for her spirit and her heart. Please pray for God's mercy and His guidance as we take this one day at a time.