We have been dealing with an increase in parental alienation these past 2 months and I would have to say that we are still in shock. My poor husband has been dealing with this particular situation for almost 14 years. While the reasons have changed during the years the damage and hurt was the same. He was told she was too young to stay with him too long, she couldn't be away from her mother, she was too little to spend the night, she shouldn't be around those in your family who are too sarcastic, she needs to be at the mothers church, she can't miss youth group, she has to attend this event and she must do this....and with that his role was dismissed, undermined and belittled. I don't think this was intentional but the net result was the same...the relationship with your father is not as important as: __________ (fill in the blank).
When Scott and I got married we felt the new atmosphere was a healthy place for her to be and he was able to increase his time with her...but as most of you know, every other weekend is not enough time for a parent who wants to be involved. We have always been pretty flexible with her schedule and worked with special events but as the years wore on, the conflicts grew and grew...until this past year when there was a schedule change almost every other weekend. We were often informed that she can't come to your house because we planned a church event, and she can't come the next weekend because our youth group is going to such and such and unfortunately the next weekend we are having a retreat at the church and I'm really not trying to be difficult but she is a "social butterfly" and just can't be there...
Do you know what kind of a message you are sending your child when you consistently undermine their relationship with their father? When you reinforce the notion that church and church activities are more important than time spent with your dad and your other siblings?
This past summer we were "informed" that she would be gone for the entire month of June...no asking permission for taking away our summer break time, no asking if it would be alright for your daughter to miss father's day, no- I'm so sorry why don't you take her for July so you can spend some time with her....nope...we were told, "Oh, of course you will get her for the fourth of july weekend". Wow...thank you for allowing us to spend 2 days with her after she is gone a month...and of course I thought that the mom would at least have her CALL her father on father's day...but when 7:30pm rolled around I knew that once again he was being pushed aside so I made sure a phone call happened from their end...
There has never been any consideration of her time or relationship with her father. The relationship with her bonus dad is encouraged, pushed and packaged into a neat little nuclear family that includes an insistence on her being with them for Christmas EVERY YEAR. Somehow, the wants of one parent have derailed a much needed balance in a little girls life. Somehow, one parents' discouragement has confused a little girl into thinking that it is more important to go to church than to have a relationship with their father. And after 13 years my sweet husband is once again fighting for his RIGHT to have ACCESS to his child...and not access based on what one parent thinks is fine, but access based on what is best for the child...
And while my husband has tried desperately to go to mediation to discuss this issue he was told that, "mediation is useless and a waste of money unless you agree to what I want..." it forces us to take more action. It would be wise for some people to research parental rights, responsibilities and precedent. They should truly understand what joint custody means, what happens when one parent denies access and the damage they are inflicting on their child. When you refuse mediation, refuse access and manipulate your child by telling them, "daddy is going to take you to court to make you visit...", the courts don't like that and often come down hard...
And in my KS research on enforcing this access I found some interesting information...
(g) If, upon hearing the hearing officer finds that there has been an unreasonable interference with or denial of visitation or parenting time, the hearing officer shall enter an order providing for one or more of the following:
(1) A specific schedule for visitation or parenting time; *This will be a rigid schedule that can not be broken because of a church activity and will include a more typical holiday rotation, extended summer hours and less flexibility.
(2) compensating visitation or parenting time to the party suffering interference or denial of visitation or parenting time, which time shall be of the same type (e.g., holiday, weekday, weekend, summer) as for which denial or interference was found and which shall be at the convenience of the party suffering the denial or interference of visitation or parenting time;
(3) the posting of a bond, either cash or with sufficient sureties, conditioned upon compliance with the order granting visitation rights or parenting time;
(4) assessment of reasonable attorney fees, mediation costs and costs of the proceedings to enforce visitation rights or parenting time against the person responsible for the unreasonable denial or interference with visitation or parenting time other than the child;So, while our hearts are breaking and we figure out how to mend this broken relationship...my dear husband will continue to fight for his right to HAVE a relationship with his daughter because that is the RIGHT thing to do...
(5) attendance of one or more of the parties to the action at counseling or educational sessions which focus on the impact on children of disputes regarding visitation or parenting time. Expenses shall be assessed to the person responsible for the denial or interference with visitation or parenting time;
(6) supervised visitation or parenting time; or
(7) any other remedy which the hearing officer considers appropriate, except, if a hearing officer is not a district judge, the hearing officer shall not enter any order which grants a new order, or modifies an existing order for child support, child custody, residency, or maintenance.
(h) Decisions of any hearing officer who is not a district judge shall be subject to review by a district judge on the motion of any party filed within 10 days after the order was entered.
9 comments:
This is heartbreaking. I know how teenagers can be, expecting to do something social every weekend. I wonder if there can be some modification to the schedule where Scott can get her on weeknights instead?
It really is heartbreaking and we are still in shock. The boys were crushed when she said she didn't want to come back to see any of us, ever again. I cried for days and her daddy is heartbroken. I didn't share all of the story but the last visit we had with her was after 10 full days of church activities. She had a week of youth group community events, wed night church, pool party, and then a drama group that did rallies, concerts, drama and music for 4 days. On Friday alone the event started at 11am and after a day of rally, dinner and concert they had a lock in followed by more on Sat and sunday.
She was exhausted and emotionally devastated when she came home. She was crying because this drama group left town and she didn't know what she was going to do for a whole yr until they came back again. She did this last year too only this year was worse because of the 10 days of emotional highs. An adult couldn't come down from that gracefully let alone a hormonal 13 yr old!
She was still crying the next morning about how she missed them and that she wanted her mom. I know that she just needed to be around someone who had experienced that same emotional high because she didn't know how to cope. We took her home to be with her mom and that turned into, I never want to come back here again....thus the shock.
We have tried to get her at different times so we could have a few days together but there is always something more important. Such as...she is home schooled so that her schedule can be more flexible and even though I have a Bachelors degree her mom, who has a HS degree, thinks it would be disruptive to her to do any schooling here...and then since her mother owns a business they have her work an actual shift 5 days a week during the daytime...and tues is ballet...and wed is church...and sat and sun is a church thing...and you name it...we have heard it.
So, instead of working this out like adults we were told that if we want to see her we could come up for an afternoon and take her out to do fun stuff but that she will not be coming back to our house. And unless we agree to that there is no point going to mediation...and so we are doing it the hard way but at least it will all be on paper and no one can manipulate us, or her anymore.... :(
Wow, thanks for the explanation. It sure sounds like you are facing roadblocks at every possible angle. I don't know much about mediation, but it definitely seems necessary in this case.
We can relate & definitely empathize... The things your BM says sounds verbatum what ours has said... and the bonus dad thing.. same deal... I haven't seen my Sd's in almost 3 years & hubby hasn't seen his girls in almost 2.5 years.. don't give up though! Keep praying & keep pushing!
We'll be praying for you too!!
((hugs))
Damn! Why are some people so cruel and selfish? I am SO sorry you are going through this. THough I am glad you have been commenting on my blog, so I have found you here! Please know that I am here for you in any way I can be, and support you 100%. Hang in there.
I followed over to your blog from Dragonflymama and my heart reaches out to your family. I can't grasp why people would do that to a child. My situation is the complete opposite where the mother alienates herself but either way by making it impossible for another parent to be a part of the kids life is so hurtful and hard on them. Good luck in your fight!
lSo sorry for what you are going thru. I don't see why she can't come to your house during the week. You are definitely more qualified to work thru the homeschool with her than her mom is. Also, my kids do church things a lot too but there is NO reason that she can't come to your house before and/or after. Teens do lead active social lives and I rarely have my boys home - let alone home together. I can't even tell you how long it has been since all 4 of them have been together (22, 19, 18, and 15). I'm hoping that work schedules around the holidays make something possible.
Since she is home-schooled and has church on the weekends, maybe the optimal thing to do would be for you to get her for 2-3 days during the week. You are more than qualified to handle any home school issues and she could have some normal family time with all of you. *hugs*
Thank you ladies for all of your support! I can't imagine the heartache we would feel if this was allowed to continue for 2.5 or 3 years! While ours has been 13 yrs in the making, we have only been separated for 2.5 months and even that short amount of time hurts.f
Dragonfly- I think it really does all come down to being selfish. Why else would a parent put a child thru this? Some states call parental alienation CHILD ABUSE and using religion for your own means is WRONGWRONGWRONG..."Religion" doesnt have to be bad but its all those dang people that get in the way!
I appreciate all of your thoughts and encouragement. I know its going to get ugly and I just might need to write about it more. Thanks!
Amy- When it comes to BD's time with us, we also have to account for the 3 brothers that come home 2-4 days a week. We always tried to work out her schedule so that she got maximum time with them while at our home. If she only comes here during the week, she won't see her brothers.
We tried for extra time during the week last year and were told that it would disrupt her schooling schedule...but in reality it wasn't about her schooling schedule...that is one of the reasons she is home schooled..so she can be more flexible but it never really applies to us.
As far as getting her before and after church, we do that too. We live about 45 min away from her and we pick her up on Friday afternoon and bring her home Sunday afternoon in time for church. The thing with their church is that they do church things Fri night, Sat and Sunday so that completely kills our time with her.
We really want her home with us during our normal family time. We all have chores, responsibilities and are each a part of the family. We play together and work together but that is what family is about. PLUS, we REALLY miss her!
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