Countdown.....3...2...1...

I am feeling the pressure right now and just want to crawl back into bed. My brain is constantly praying, talking, pleading, begging and what-if-ing the outcome of Monday. I have been trying to give this fear over to God but at this point, the fear is winning. It has helped that the surgeon is optimistic about the surgery but I am a worrier... I guess I think I can do something about it if I hang on to it and try to out guess the outcome so that I can be emotionally prepared...though none of that incorporates the Faith I am supposed to have. I don't mean to be a whiner, but 13 years ago I had faith that my dad would come home from the hospital and that didn't mean much so I am afraid to feel those feelings again. I guess it comes down to my expectations. If I assume the worst and prepare for it, then I can't be disappointed if it happens...and if the best possible outcome happens, then I am pleasantly surprised and can work from there...though we all know I will be disappointed if the outcome is anything but life.

For the past year, I have really struggled with prayer: what is it, is it useful, does it work, does it matter, does it really change God's mind, is it to change my heart instead, is God really interested in my little world, is He really a personal God, and if I do keep praying, do I ask for something once or do I need to beg Him continually? There are so many questions swirling around in my head. People told me to fast and pray last year because that would really get God's attention, so I did. But what I learned was that the fasting and praying was meant to change my heart and attitude. The more I ignored my physical needs and turned to prayer, the more open I was to hearing God. My heart was broken and quiet and I was able to s.t.o.p. and listen and that prepared me for the next few weeks where mom's life hung in the balance. I tried with all my might to trust God and knew that no matter what He let happen, He loved mom more than I ever could....that was a good place to be but that was 8 months ago...and I am not in that quiet place now.

I feel like we have been in a countdown to the 22nd and I will either get a bonus and have 20 more years to spend with mom, or it will be over and our time together will be done. How horrible to have a date in mind where you know the possibility of death is high! I know that any of us could go at any time but we don't typically KNOW an approx. date...and for us...we know that the 22nd could be it. I am not ready for this countdown to be over and as of today, we have 3 days left. What do you do in the last 3 days you have together? Have you ever thought about that with the loved ones in your family? As I type this, mom has just called her brother and now I am crying. My mom hates to use the phone but she wanted to call her 4 sisters, 2 sister-in-laws and her brother before the surgery. She is uncomfortable calling because as she told Dr. Miller's nurses, "What do I tell them? That I might die on the 22nd so I wanted to call to say goodbye? You just don't do that." My uncle also has heart problems so they are discussing surgery and mom's chances. She says she feels ready and she really does but I know she is scared. I am scared too. I want to be a person who can give their fears over to God but I am not ready. I know that HE is the sustainer of life and HE is in control of who lives and who dies. I am still begging him to extend mom's life because she has more to do but I have no idea what HE has planned for us. I want to be open to God's will, even if it doesn't match my wants so I have 3 days to work on that. Great.

When mom went in for her heart cath test on Tuesday, I saw Dr. Miller in the hallway and we talked for a few minutes. I had to hear it from him again so I asked if he was optimistic...and he said yes. He said that she is healthier and stronger than he thought she would be and he feels she is ready. I told him that I was praying for him everyday and he thanked me and told me how much he covets those prayers. He is asking for wisdom to get in and do exactly what needs to be done in the least amount of time possible. They will be replacing the mitral valve with another organic valve and he thinks she has a great chance of recovering. Her surgery is what they consider a REDO but most of those are done 10 yrs after the first surgery so her case is of course, unique. If she can survive the heart bypass machine, get plenty of oxygen during the procedure and get her heart to start back up again, she will probably be fine. Her fighting spirit has gotten her this far and I am praying that we can do it all over again. As always, please be praying for Mom, for Dr. Miller, his team and for our family. I am asking for wisdom in any decisions that need to be made, for peace for all of us and for life. Love you all!