I am learning to approach Step-parenting & Co-parenting as a business transaction. The first couple of years I was hopeful for a consistent, even tempered, drama free relationship with the other households in our life but that has not been the case. And really, for the first time in my life I am truly ok with that. I learned one big lesson back in July and another last fall. When one child was kept from us and the other three were denied an opportunity to attend a special one time event, it finally hit home. I now understand that our family unit (scott, 4 kids, grandma & me) will never be supported, promoted or encouraged in those other homes. There may be attempts at a superficial show of support but it's not really hard to see thru that. In fact, I have had teachers and parents approach me regarding some over the top behavior that didn't make sense to them. The funny (or not so funny) thing is that it doesn't really make sense to us either.
We believe 100% that this co-parenting thing is NOT a competition. When you don't think of your kids (or the affection of those kids) as a competition then your actions will follow that line of thinking. There should never be a need to do more, buy more, say more or be more than the other parent out of fear. If you are doing something because it is the best thing for the kids that is great. When you start doing more (in public), buying and/or saying more out of competition it becomes disingenuous. And they see it. They're not dumb. They are in fact very observant. AND more importantly when you change your behavior towards one child because you are angry, scared, frustrated or threatened by their emotions and feelings toward the other household THEY ALL NOTICE. When you say little things to put doubt in their minds about the other household THEY ALL NOTICE. When you actively undercut the other household THEY ALL NOTICE. When you call your family to gripe and complain THEY ALL NOTICE. When you stare at one child, who is on the computer, and you make nasty faces at them THEY NOTICE (but only because they could see your face in the reflection on the computer monitor).
And just to be clear....when I write about something directly related to co-parenting it is not always about one person or even about any one event (although the reflection story is true and from last week) It is more about a general feeling, environment and tendency in some homes as opposed to others. Most NC households are victims of parental alienation and we have dealt with it for several years and will continue to battle it until the offenders are dead and gone. Some people just love to manipulate, control and destroy. Some parents (and extended family members) feel the need to tear you down and make you vulnerable so that they can then be the one to lift you back up so you feel obligated and indebted to them. And as another real world example...Some people do nice things for you so they can then demand your appreciation and thankfulness. But if you don't notice their generosity they demand an apology. And while we certainly don't understand that mindset, we can do our part to shelter the kids from that kind of manipulation.
So, the biggest lesson I have learned is not to take it all personally. If someone wants to be a bully, wants to ignore, wants to belittle, wants to sabotage, undercut, alienate or whatever....that is their problem. I deal with people when necessary, show respect and kindness like any human deserves and do my best to build up the other household while not continuing to make excuses for their behavior. I won't make excuses any more. I regularly encourage the kids to go directly to the source and share their concerns, frustrations, confusions and heartache but am often told they don't want to hurt any one's feelings. I realize no one is perfect but thankfully our kids don't expect that from us. They expect love, kindness, respect and a safe environment where they can trust us, rely on us and feel safe. They shouldn't be responsible for OUR happiness....and just to be clear...I support my husband and know that what he is doing is honestly in the best interest of the kids. How many co-parents can say that?
Sunday, March 6, 2011
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4 comments:
It's sad when the insecurities and inferiorities of an adult affect a child. Sadly enough, this happens all too often in divorce where the parents tend to feel like the affections of the kids are some sort of competition. Or where one insecure parent feels like the child is a possession.
You're doing all you can do by putting the children first on your side. The good thing is- they grow up and like you said - they notice
Amy- How are you feeling?
THe whole competition thing baffles me. Why would you want the kids to be a possession or demand that their affection be all yours? Why is it so hard to allow the children to love both parents, both homes and both sets of extended families? It would be great if we could just love the kids and work together to do what is best for them. In our case, it seems the insecurities of "outside" forces impacts the other household so much that they make decision to please this "outside" force while sacrificing what is the best for the kids...and it happens with both of our other households....
One more thing...I know that the kids grow up and that they will notice...because they notice now and have for quite a while. BUT as a mom I desperately want to protect them from that harsh reality. I have been the one to make excuses and try to reason it out for their little brains but I don't want to do it any more. If there is an emotional issue that needs to be dealt with (and was mentioned way before I came along) then that person needs to deal with it. By not dealing with it, it is only hurting these kids more.
EVERY time they come home they have something to tell me. Sometimes they tell me one-on-one because they are so hurt or they all tell me as one big group. Sometimes, I just don't know what to say. Most of the time I am DEFENDING this person but lately I am just at a loss. The kids are afraid to voice their true feelings because they get shot down and are told the decision has been made and it is what is best for our family. What the kids don't understand is that we are also a part of their family...and if this decision is hurtful to us how in the world is it the best for their family? They are great thinkers and sometimes I just let them work out the nonsense themselves....
I know they will grow up and know the truth but I really wish I could protect them from that. They don't deserve the blow that will follow that knowledge.
Well said, wife. The "outside" influence thinks and has thought for whole time I've known her, that she is more intelligent and somehow more special than anyone else. She thinks her family can do no wrong and she also claims to have a direct line to "God", claiming to have heard his voice. I call that schizophrenia.
She is unstable emotionally, has the vacant stare of someone who lives outside of reality. She thinks she is a master manipulator and has taught her children that her affection and attention are things to be sought after. She is motivated to do "good" and "help" by the idea that whoever she helped will be emotionally and physically indebted to her. The kids see this BS plain as day. She has permanently lost their respect. Frankly, I'm ok with that. She has the potential to be a negative influence, but actually she has no influence at all. I like that.
We know she checks this blog regularly. We also know some of the times when she isn't home, her husband checks. He checks when he's out of town, too. It seems he doesn't want her to know he is checking. Unfortunately, I think he just wants to see how the kids are doing. I would like to reach out to him and give him open access to anything in the kids lives on our part, but not as long as she is involved.
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