Thursday, May 13, 2010
A Very Honest Post
So, I just wrote a really long post about our "joint household" frustration and missing the boys' Field Day...but after angrily typing for 10 minutes...I think it is probably best NOT to post it. Suffice it to say, we were told Field Day was cancelled, by all 3 boys but found out today that they actually did have it. My heart hurts because we missed it. Not because we are competing on what parent attends what event...but because it is fun, we enjoy it and the boys like us to be there. As a bonus mom, I am tired of trying so hard. I am tired of showing kindness when all I get in return is a cold shoulder unless something is wanted of me. I am not that kind of person and would never "not" share activity details because it wasn't my responsibility to do so...I have shared info many times just to be sure it was known. I am sad that this is where we are after 5 years. I am frustrated at the superficialness of it all. I am not a fake person and I can't pretend someone doesn't exist just because they are the "bonus" or the "x". My focus is the kids and no matter how we are treated, I will continue to love them and help create an emotionally healthy environment for them. We won't teach them to be fake but to show kindness in all areas...uncomfortable or not.
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8 comments:
That is precisely the reason I am so thankful you are in my life! Her mom taught her to be the hateful person she is. She is becoming more like her mom every day. It's very sad. That woman has directly or indirectly ruined all three of her childrens' marriages. Thank you for being the loving, honest and genuine woman you are. The kids already know the difference. You have more kindness and compassion in your little finger than her and her mother combined. No wonder her dad is closet drunk! It's the only way he can cope! :) i love you wife and you have already won their hearts. Next time, don't hold back.
Sometimes you have to put yourself in their shoes. Maybe it is hard for them to cope, maybe they were never given the proper tools and don't know how to love back. Maybe they feel like they do all the hard work, while you reap the benefits. What if the kids return home to them bragging on you and dumping on them? Some people are born with grace while others never achieve it. Even though you say it is not a competition, you post about it and drag them into the spotlight, a negative spotlight every time. They are just hurt creatures acting the only way they know how. When it comes to divorce there are three sides, yours, theirs and the truth.
The divorce is nearly 7 yrs old. It's time to get over it and focus on the kids, not each other. Venting on a blog without naming names is hardly dragging them into a negative spotlight. We don't say a word to the kids about how the other family treats us like crap or how dysfunctional that side of the family really is. We let their actions speak for themselves.
The only thing the kids would return to their mother's house bragging about is the time, love and laughter they experience with us. We don't have money to shower them with things or to take them places. It's a myth that the non-custodial parent's household is the "fun" house, while the other home is all work. That may be the case somewhere, but not here. Above all we're talking about adults. Whatever deficiencies they may have it's no excuse to be so vindictive and manipulative.
I suggest you take a glance at other posts. My wife works very hard to be positive and she gets crapped on, every time. As far reaping all the benefits of their hard work: anyone will tell you that being a good parent when you are the non-custodial parent is doubly hard work.
Dear Anon #2- Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. It took a lot for me to rewrite that post and not let you see my raw frustration. I have found that social media can really hamper wisdom in so many cases and even though I knew it was a rant, it was mild compared to my first gut reaction.
In our case, I try to put myself in "their" shoes all the time. This has actually changed my response in several instances. I know the frustration on our side and believe it is on the other side too. This is not the life either parent dreamed or planned on but that is where they are and I chose to come along for the ride.
You say many true things in your post about coping, getting the proper tools and not knowing how to love back. Most of what I know about the other side comes from my DH and from the kids. The kids tell us that they come here to get their hearts filled up because they don't get that at home. At the end of our weekends they ask for play time, tickles, laughing and hugs because they want to hold on to it all week long. These are not my words but a 11, 9 and 7 yr old's words.
Our focus has always been to be an emotionally stable household to offset whatever else might be going on in their lives. The communication is minimal between the households and no matter what effort we put out there, it never seems to be reciprocated. We would love to be able to talk about any kid issue but there has always been a wall of pride that stops that communication. Undoubtedly, no parent wants to hear that their kids need something and that you weren't aware of it but it is still in their best interests to listen.
In our home, we do not "compete" with the other household in any way, shape or form. The things that I post about are about 98% the free fun that we have with art stuff and the kids' activities. I have started to write more about bonus mom stuff as I have made more online bonus buddies and enjoy their blogs. I don't name names and consider this a family/friend blog still. My intention is never to drag the other side into a negative spotlight and I often compliment the parenting done at their mom's house. The issues that come up, that I actually write about, are meant to convey my heart and how frustrating this Bonus position can be. I don't want to cause harm or embarrassment to anyone but I am working on forgiving all that was done before I came along.
I know I have a long way to go in showing more grace but I am working on it. Yesterday, I was just tired of showing kindness and getting nothing in return. My heart just hurts because I know that this whole joint household thing could be so much better instead of the oldest telling me how much his mom doesn't like me. :( I hope you will understand my heart.
Dawnua, I just read this post today and I wanted to say that I have NEVER seen you "post about it and drag them into the spotlight, a negative spotlight every time." Your posts are always filled with positivity and light and I enjoy your blog for that reason, but let's face it: stepparenting is a very difficult and thankless job which is made even harder when the bio-parents don't want to cooperate. Please remember this is YOUR blog and you are entitled to post YOUR feelings, no matter what they may be. You are entitled to rant now and then. Anyone who hasn't walked in a Stepmother's shoes won't "get it" and Anon #2 probably never will.
Sharon- Thank you so much for your sweet comment. I am not sure if Anon#2 was making a general statement (about what happens when you mention the other side) or if they really feel I do that. IMHO none of my posts do that. I write about what we teach in our household but that doesn't mean that these things AREN'T taught in the other household...it just means I am writing about OUR life...but the boys have reported changes at their other house after I write about things (devotions, eating together as a family, letting the boys cook with us and so on) so who knows how they take my writing.
While I am mindful that the kids' other side of the family reads the blog, I agree that it is still my blog and I will keep writing as I do. Thank you for your encouragement and positive thoughts about my blog. You are right in that no one will understand unless they have lived it...and stepparenting is already complicated without insecure people making it into a competition. THANKS!
Dear Hubby- Thank you so much for your encouraging words. We have spent many hours discussing manipulation. walking on eggshells, abuse and bipolar personalities in regards to your life before me. I can't imagine someone teaching their child manipulation (of all types), parental alienation and so much hatred hidden behind a "Christian" cover. Hate is hate no matter the pretty bow.
You know the truth about all those years and so do the people involved. The damage they are doing will be evident soon enough and if we continue to love, love, love without conditions....then we can help cushion the blow to the kids. Someday they will know about the abuse, shoplifting, manipulation and hatred and it will be hard on them but they will see the truth. You are an amazing father and husband and I am proud of your fight for your kids!
I'm sorry that they are still playing games and not focused on the boys. I remember when the grandpa called the coffeehouse when he was drunk. He was so rude and he didn't even know me! Try not to worry about them Dawnua. They are not worth the time or energy.
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