In Loving Memory

Today marks a twelve year anniversary that helped define who I am. Twelve years ago, March 3rd at 2:30pm, my dad died. He went in to the hospital August 26th, and spent the next 6 months fighting for his life. We took him to the hospital because he was confused and disoriented. He had been sick with the flu and had bells palsy prior to his confusion. They thought he was having mini-strokes and after a week of tests they were going to let him go home. The day before he was to be released he started hallucinating and seeing frogs and snakes on the hospital walls. They "decided" something else was going on and they kept him for more tests. They decided that he had Guillain-Barre Syndrome.

Within a week he quit breathing and was put on a ventilator. He was in and out of it for the next couple of months and suffered another stroke right before Thanksgiving. He continued to run high fevers and was basically in and out of a coma for the next 4 months. He had some good days in Jan. and then he was hit with another stroke. Somedays he would be awake and could talk to me and other days he would call me Betty. Betty is his sister. Most of the time he was "asleep" and we would talk to him and hold his hand. I can still remember the excitement when he would squeeze our hand in response to "I Love You."

I was in school, working 2 jobs and visiting my dad every day. It was an emotionally exhausting time for all of us. My mom was a school teacher and my brother was only 16/17 at the time. This 6 month ordeal changed our lives forever. The possibility of death really put every day problems into perspective. I realized what was important in life and I started talking to anyone and everyone about the hope I found in Jesus. I had some personal miracles during this time and it still amazes me that I have felt the closest to the Lord during the hardest times in my life. My journal goes back and forth between trusting in God's ultimate decision and coming to terms with the possibility of death. Mom and I used to eat in the cafeteria every night and we would just bawl our way thru dinner. We didn't know how we would survive without my father. While he was in a coma, I told him many times that I needed him to fight and to survive because I needed my Daddy to be at my college graduation and at my wedding. I was NOT ready for him to die.

Feb. 17, 1997 My dear father, You are so very sick right now. You are probably mad at us for letting you be hooked up to life supprt for so long. Please don't be. I want to hear your voice. I want to talk with you. I want you to be my dad, not a sick patient who ignores me. I need you so much dad. I am so sorry for the way I treated you at times. I didn't know what I was doing, please forgive a stupid, thoughtless teenager. I took everything I had with you for granted. I loved sitting down in your room and talking till the wee hours of the morning. You were so generous. Dad, there are so many things I still want to do with you. You are still suppose to give my hand in marriage. How will I know if I found the right guy without your approval? I want so badly to have kids so you can spend time with your grandkids. I know how important that was and is to you. It was so important to me. How can I live without you? I need you. You use to make me breakfast. Help with science projects, sing me to sleep. Take me everywhere. Love me. Spoil me. I am so ashamed of the mistakes I made. You trusted me so much. I'm sorry I wasn't perfect. I'm sorry I was so selfish at times. You mean so much to me. When you leave me I will be so lost. It is taking me the hard way to get closer to my heavenly father. I am losing my daddy, just so I can know my other Dad. It still hurts me so much. I want to talk with you before you leave. I trust I will. I love you. Donnie

I learned how to live day by day. When you don't you get too upset by all the variables that you can't control. My prayers began to change in February and I asked for my will to be in line with God's will. If he was going to take my dad then I wanted him to do it quickly so he wouldn't suffer any more. I needed God to prepare my heart for the heartache that was on its way. On March 2nd my mom and I went to visit dad and mom took the opportunity to tell my dad that it was ok for him to go home to be with the Lord. She released him. He was comatose but we believe that he heard my mother because he passed away the next afternoon. This entire experience was heart wrenching but monumental in my life. I still miss my father. I miss our late night talks. I miss his sense of humor. Some days I still cry because of my loss but I know that the experience helped mold me into the Christian I am today. I am grateful for the grace and mercy God has shown me. I am thankful for those friends who supported me then and still support me now. Cherish your loved ones and show them your love. You may not have tomorrow.

I miss you and love you dad!